Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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