so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
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