My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Randomize
