I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Randomize
