im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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