I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
