did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Randomize
