Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Randomize
