I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
