I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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