My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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