I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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