He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
