Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
