she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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