My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
I need moral support for this bender
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
