Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
