Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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