You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
