I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Randomize