smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Two words: nipple clamps
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