He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
