My liver just broke up with me...
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
