Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
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