I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
Randomize
