I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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