good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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