God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
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