god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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