I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Randomize
