My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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