I'm going to jail i love you
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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