I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
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