maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
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Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
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Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
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