I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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