HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
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