Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
