I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Randomize
