Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
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