it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
Farmville is her only friend.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
