I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Randomize
