If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
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