I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
he puts the penis in happiness.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
