I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Randomize
