so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
