I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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