The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
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