I wish I only lived at night.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
