I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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