Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
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