Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Randomize
