i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Randomize
