My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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