So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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