So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
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